Tonight I started back into my online MBA program again. For the first time since my husband died.
To say I am wrenched into knots with emotion and memories as I sit down at my laptop to partake in course discussions is a complete understatement of what I am actually feeling.
Everything just feels so wrong. I should be sitting in my old kitchen, hammering out posts at the table, while bantering and kibitzing with my husband, who is working away at the old desktop computer in the next room. I should be getting up every hour or so to massage his sore neck and shoulder muscles, and to laugh with him, and make each of us a hot tea or a cold drink.
Instead I am alone at my new place, in my new, still mostly disorganized home office. I am angry, I am blue, I am missing him so much I want to scream and tear my hair out…anything to distract me from the overwhelming sadness of continuing on without him.
Instead of doing any of the above, I put on my Widow Badass persona and craft a kick-butt first post to one of this week’s discussion questions. Omigod, it is so good it should be framed…no, bronzed!
At least, this is what the Widow Badass thinks. Mizz D is too distraught to care, for now. Thank goddess for the Widow B. She will get me through school, if no one else can.