…ze end!

Hah! See how I cheated here?

Initially, I had listed some Z words as potential topics for today – words like Zen or Zinsser (the primer of choice for many undergoing a home reno project!) – but a lovely writer whose blog goes by Jen Seriously made a post that got me thinking about endings instead. The alpha to the omega. The A to the Z. The beginning to the end. To a new beginning.

It seems to me that far too many women are actively fighting and fearing ageing and that – from the viewpoint of my current, lofty crone throne – seems like such a waste of energy. Oh yeah – but I too used to worry about that, for years from time to time.

I remember as a young girl (maybe 7 or so?) looking in the hallway mirror and thinking about being a grown-up and worrying wondering who would marry me. Because at that age, that was all I knew of women’s lives. You grew up, got married and had a family.

Looking in that mirror, I saw that I was not an attractive young girl. I was not small, thin or delicate. My once-blonde hair was now plain brown, except for some golden streaks from a summer spent outdoors, and cut into the shortest, ugliest bowl cut imaginable (thanks Oma!). I was big for my age and quite pudgy – no, fat! My knees and elbows were purple and scabbed from exploring my environment. I told myself that I was so ugly that no one would want to marry me anyways so why was I even spending any time worrying about this? I remember such a sense of relief at that realization. Then I went outside to play, my moment of angst beyond my years quickly replaced with other pursuits.

I did grow from that ugly duckling into some kind of a swan, at puberty. At least, the boys noticed me and some girls were even jealous of me. Yet I still wasted spent far too many hours comparing myself to others and worrying about hanging onto my new attractiveness to the opposite sex.

In brief moments of lucidity during this time, I flashed back to the days when I felt relief and freedom at being ugly and hoped desperately that wondered if I would feel this way again when my hormones waned. I looked forward to this day – when I would be released from what I was sure was this completely hormone-induced craziness – and could go back to being my authentic, I-ain’t-got-time-for-this-BS  girlself. Finally unfettered from my body’s prime imperative to attract attention from the opposite sex in order to procreate, and able to go back to being who I really was – at my core.

That day has been here for some time now, my friends. I did go through a period of rather intense grieving for my lost youthful looks as I prepared to get married again – at age 51 – but that’s over now. I feared I would look silly as a bride and wanted so to turn back the clock, even just for that day. I was once again able to push aside these fears and went outside to play got married in full bridal regalia, regardless. My late husband thought I was beautiful, and I thought him handsome, and that’s all that matters. Each was seeing and loving the whole person, inside and out, and that is where true beauty comes from, anyway.

So – to cut this ramble short and get back to the point – youth ends, the blogging challenge ends, everything ends – but that is how we get to beginnings, again and again.

Now stop worrying. And get outside and play!

The WB

…YES!

So much of my life in the past was dedicated to saying NO. Due to budgetary and/or JD’s OCD-related issues, the default response to almost everything was NO. Sometimes, after consideration, the answer could be changed to YES, but mostly NO was the only response possible.

Now that I am widowed and without dependents or even a pet at the moment, I have decided the default answer to everything is YES.

YES, I would love to accompany you on a trip halfway around the world.

YES, I am available to meet with you at such-and-such a time.

YES, I would love to donate time and effort to this cause.

YES, please book me for this adventure.

YES, I can leave straight from work. See you soon.

YES, please come on over!

To facilitate my new default response, I have significantly upped the monthly contribution to my automatic savings plan. There should always be enough tucked away for a YES, without thought or hesitation.

YES, YES, YES! I can’t get enough of this word. 🙂

What is your default response to out-of-the-blue invitations or changes in plans?

The WB

…XOXO, Blogging A-Z Challenge!

Two more letters to go after today and the Letter X provides a perfect opportunity to X-press my warm feelings for being given the opportunity and the impetus to create 26 posts in 1 month. I’ve found some great voices and fellow human travellers during this time as I visited other blogs (and you are now subscribed to, in my Feedly!), and maybe even made some new friends. For all of this I am very thankful and appreciative.

I really neglected ye olde blogge during a crazy tough time in my life – my husband’s battle with lung cancer – because he didn’t want people to know he was suffering from this disease.  Even family once removed (cousins, aunts, uncles etc.) had no idea until he died. I also couldn’t write about his worsening OCD, or speak about it to friends and family.

This made blogging extremely difficult. How could I not speak about the 2 huge sources of sadness, anger, fear and frustration in my life? When I did post, it felt so false NOT to be discussing what was really going on. So these strictures very effectively silenced me. For a long time.

I got out of the habit of blogging. Post JD, I knew I should go back to the blog to spew out capture all that I was feeling and thinking. But building enough momentum to get started again was harder than I thought. Enter the A-Z Challenge.

Much as I have enjoyed participating, I know I will not maintain this frequency, going forward. Daily blogging will become a thing of the past, ’till next April. Especially during the next 5 months as I work on completing the requirements for my MBA. But I am committing to writing at least weekly, and hopefully more than that.

Thank you, Blogging A-Z Challenge 2015!

XOXO,

The WB

…Unbelievable

Something unbelievable happened to me yesterday. I am still trying to process it.

Yesterday was Day 1 of my kitchen/bathroom renovation project. The apartment was a nuthouse as demolition started. I took half a day off work to meet with the flooring guy, my countertop guy, my contractor, see the progress, meet with some folks from the City about a revitalization project for the building’s exterior, AND pick out tiles, toilets and vanities. Because if I am taking time off of work to go home and meet someone, I am going to DO. ALL. THE. THINGS.

Between the flooring guy and the City meeting, there was an hour for lunch so the tenants and I went down the street to the roadhouse to fuel up. It was almost 2 pm and I was feeling pretty hollow at this point.

Lunch ran a bit late so I excused myself and walked quickly back up the street to meet with the City people.  As I passed my real estate agent’s office I saw that he was in and gave him a big wave and got one in return.

Then I saw a guy walking towards me in a very bright colour-blocked jacket, with the hood up over his head, and black pants. He wore glasses and had a dark cap pulled low on his forehead. I thought nothing of him until he passed me. I acknowledged his presence with a smile and a nod and was shocked to see my husband’s face (the pre-cancer face, not the gaunt one I last laid eyes on) looking back at me. He even had the same expression on his face that I knew and loved so well. Looking at me with downcast, laughing eyes, and a sly grin as he returned my unspoken greeting. He didn’t slow down, just smiled and kept on going.

I didn’t stop or turn around. I kept walking because my rational mind said I did not just walk past my dead husband on the street, and I could see the City people already waiting outside the building. So I broke into a little trot.

I told myself to stop freaking out and pull myself together for the meeting. Then afterwards, I told my tenants what had happened to me. Jonathan, who had left the restaurant shortly after me, remarked that he had seen me further up the street rushing to meet the others but he had no recollection of seeing a man in a bright jacket.

Unbelievable.

When my husband became ill, he often told me that if he didn’t make it he would be always watching over me. He also said to look for signs that he was still around. I told him that if he did this, the signs would have to be glaringly obvious and/or dramatic because I have never been sensitive in this way and I likely would miss them, otherwise.

I think this qualifies.

The WB

…Quotation

I have a free app (Transform Your Life) on my phone that delivers a lesson in the form of a quotation every day (at 10:15 am precisely, because I told it to).

Today’s quotation:

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials – Lin Yutang

Today’s lesson:

Much of our lives are spent doing things we don’t want to do that don’t need to be done. Assignment: Today, look for non-essentials you can eliminate. Hint: Look for the non-essentials in habits.

Hello, Facebook – biggest time-suck habit in my universe, currently! And mostly non-essential. How much more could I get done in a week with the 30 minutes a day (at least) I spend with my nose in the ‘Book?

What non-essential habits would you want to eliminate?

The WB