Month: April 2015

F is for…

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?Leave a comment

F

…Freedom

Earlier this week I read an interesting post on Beyond Midlife Bloggers entitled “Wanted: The Single Person’s Life”.

In this post, Jane Gassner describes the single person’s life:

“A Single Person’s Life is one of contentment, pleasure even, in the solitary nature of day-to-day events. That is, no one else is about to crap on your fantasies or complain about the way you made the bed. If you snore, you only wake yourself. If you get up at 3 a.m. and must have a bowl of cereal, no one is there to say, “What the hell are you doing?” You don’t have to wait for the bathroom to be free and the only smelly old sneakers in the closet are yours. “

I have to say she is 100% correct. This new life of mine is a life of contentment and pleasure in being solo, for the first time in many many years. The last time I was flying solo, I was responsible for 2 teenagers and money was tight. Now I am, for the first time as an adult, living completely on my own.

It. Feels. Fine.

It. Feels. Right.

People ask me if I will start dating again. Will I marry again. I tell them it is extremely doubtful. Truth be told, the word “never” has been used – repeatedly. I don’t refer to JD as “my last husband” for nothing. I feel guilty for feeling this good about widowhood.

JD suffered from OCD and this made a good deal of our life together frazzled and stressful.   It took me many years to figure out what was wrong. It got worse as time went on. I was in over my head and there was no one I could turn to. I couldn’t speak of it as he didn’t want anyone to know.

So instead family and friends thought he was eccentric, difficult, uncaring. Internally, I refer to that period as the time I was the Unwilling Mayor of Crazytown.

The feeling of freedom with my new single life (and the freedom coming from no longer having to live life according to the tyranny of JD’s OCD) is incredible. I feel confused and guilty because I know now if by some miracle he was restored to me I could never go back to that Crazytown life – even though I still love and miss him terribly.

Why does it seem like he had to die before I could really start to live? This question I can never answer, even as I ask it of myself.

Every. Damn. Day.

The WB

E is for…

On By Widow BadassIn Go Back to School, Hmmm?, MBA2 Comments

E

…Early Mornings

I have, for most of my life, been a morning person. Happily alert with first light and filled with tremendous energy – busy planning what to achieve during the day before my feet hit the bedroom floor. Energy levels waning as the day moves towards night – grateful to slow down and curl up in a chair with some knitting and TV, or a book at day’s end.

My husband was a bit of night owl. He also possessed tremendous will  and strength to power past his body’s signals for rest. All-nighters were something he could do with apparent ease; something I paid dearly for, even days later.

For several years, JD maintained 2 jobs, working day and night. During this time he snatched sleep an hour here and there, and tried to pay off his sleep debt on days off. It was an unhappy period but nothing I said made any difference. He was a man with a mission and this is what he thought he had to do to make things better.

Even when he was down to only 1 job, he continued to cheat himself of sleep as he powered through assignments in his quest for an MBA. I, on the other hand, reached that point in every late night where I couldn’t give a damn about the assignment anymore – whatever was done was good enough to submit – my MBA brain shut off and all I cared about was the bed I swore I could hear beseeching me from up the stairs.

After the diagnosis, we talked about whether the repeated and long-term stressing of his body in this way had suppressed his immune system, allowing that first cancerous cell to take root and flourish. We couldn’t come up with another valid reason for such a healthy, never-smoker to get lung cancer.

When JD was alive, I tried to accommodate his sleep patterns, and stayed up much later than my body would have liked. This made my mornings groggy and unpleasant, and I needed an alarm clock (with snooze function!) to wake me on work days.

Since I have been widowed, I no longer even need a clock in the bedroom. I go to sleep when I want and rise refreshed, usually in advance of when I need to. I have yet to oversleep, and occasionally find myself, as I did this morning, awake and ready to go hours ahead of “schedule”.

I love my early mornings again, but not the reason for the change.

The WB

D is for…

On By Widow BadassIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

 

D

…Dying well.

As I’ve been witness to a number of deaths over the past 18 months of my life, I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying. So much so, that I have marked my calendar to remind me to look into becoming a hospice volunteer, once I have completed my MBA studies, next December.

Dying well is as much a part of life as living well. In fact, I would challenge that one cannot embrace life fully without embracing the idea of death, as it is the natural conclusion of life. So why not plan to die well?

For me, dying well means planning for death when still able to do so. To be as prepared as possible, to wrap up up as many loose ends as possible, to be able to face the end with a full awareness of what is happening, and to be in as much control of the manner of dying as is “allowed”. To die in peace.

Those who die suddenly and/or violently cannot do these things, other than to be prepared with a will, letters to loved ones etc.

But most of us do not die this way. Most of us will end our lives in a slow decline due to incurable illness or “old age”. Plenty of time to carry out a plan to die well.

I am going to be studying more on this subject as time allows in the coming months. I find it to be fascinating. I am not afraid of dying, although I have many things I want to do and see on this earth first. I hope my death is many years away yet, and when it does come, that I will be able to die well.

The WB

C is for…

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?2 Comments

C

…Classic rock, Concerts and (blog under re-) Construction.

Nuthin' to add to this.
I got nuthin’ to add to this.

It’s the Classic Rock Weekend on my local radio station. AC/DC is playing right now. I was rockin’ to You Shook Me All Night Long when it didn’t need the Classic descriptor in front of it. And I am still rockin’, at every opportunity.

My first husband once pointedly asked me when I was going to grow up and stop wanting to do this shit (meaning going to live music shows and rock festivals).

Nope. Haven't grown up yet. Rockin' my outfit for the Alice Cooper Hallowe'en Show.
Nope. Haven’t grown up yet. Rockin’ my look for the Alice Cooper Hallowe’en Show.

My last husband enjoyed concert-going but only certain artists. As a result I have seen Bob Dylan 4 times and Gordon Lightfoot 3 times.* Fine artists both, that I have grown to really appreciate, but sheesh…let’s add some variety to the mix, shall we? I feel like I need to make up for lost time.

Which is a bit of a problem as concerts are announced and I wonder how many more of these events I can cajole my kids into accompanying me to, before they stop answering my texts. 🙂

So I have started looking around at others to join me in these adventures. And I realize that I have very few who I truly call friends (true…quality over quantity is my motto), and they don’t always have the time, money or admiration for the band/artist to want to attend with me. I don’t mind having to go alone to concerts (although I think my daughter minds me doing this, very much – talk about a role reversal, hah!). Of course it is much more fun sharing these experiences with friends and/or family.

The family that rocks together stays together I always say.
The family that rocks together stays together I always say.

What I love about this A-Z challenge is that it has rekindled my love of blogging and ye olde blogge. It feels like coming (virtually) home, except this home needs a bit of TLC and some renovation. I spent several hours last night locating and reinserting many photos that had gone AWOL from my older posts. This work continues! Pardon my mess while the blog is under (re)construction.

The WB

*Ironically, JD felt an urgency to see these artists whenever they were in the area because “they could die soon”. Well, both Bob and Gord are still touring while JD is no more. Huh.

B is for…

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?7 Comments

B

…Bouncing Back!

Some days you’re the bopper and most days some days you’re the bop-ee.  Or so it seems to me lately. My goal is to be like El Bop-O and keep popping back up every time.

Alright Life, hit me again. I dares ya.
Alright Life, hit me again. I can take it. I dares ya.

So far, so good. It’s all going according to plan. 😉

In the past 18 months the world has lost my husband, my dog, my father-in-law and my matron of honour’s mom.  The last 3 have taken place in the past 8 weeks. I have been there in the room (hospital or otherwise) to witness each passing. So is it any wonder I have been a little obsessed with death and dying lately? (But not in a depressing or morbid way. More on that on Letter D day – I know you can’t wait! Bwahaha!)

And I keep bouncing back. Life is more precious to me now than it ever has been. And I am trying my best to wring the most out of every moment of it. This is the best way I know of honouring this great gift of life that I have been given.

The WB

A is for…

On By Widow BadassIn Hmmm?4 Comments

A

…ADVENTURE

(Certainly participating in this challenge is quite an adventure in itself – for me at least. I am finding out just how rusty my decidedly-not-mad WordPress skillz are. Just trying to place the damn badge on my blog is proving an exercise in frustration. Please bear with me people – it will get better as the month progresses and I do much needed work on ye olde blogge.)

Adventure = Life, in my humble opinion.

If your live is not adventurous, you are not living it. I don’t mean you need to be defying death on a daily basis. But I don’t believe people should be playing it safe either. Feeling major a tiny bit of fear at thinking of attempting something is, for me, the first clue that this might be something I should be avoiding doing. That maybe I need to s-t-r-e-t-c-h just a wee bit (or a lot).

Since JD died I have had many completely new adventures as a widow. My plan is to have many, many more. Rock on, fellow adventurers!

The WB