I have spent a good deal of time and mental energy in the past 3 years trying to find the answers to a lot of things such as:
- why did my husband have to get cancer?
- why did he have to die?
- why am I still here?
- what do I do now?
- what does IT all mean?
- WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????? 🙂
Going through JD’s things after his passing while cleaning up both properties created even more situations and information that needed processing and understanding. My husband was very secretive and I was not allowed access to his things while he was alive. I had to go through everything he hoarded piece by piece after his death as the “good” (family mementos, money, valuable papers, useable stuff) was lumped in with the “bad” (garbage, broken stuff, useless papers, more garbage) with no organization.
It was like an archeological dig, people. With just as many hypotheses, theories, assumptions and questions begging to be tested, confirmed, answered. Including that the person(s) with the answers were never going to be around to fill in the blanks for me.
These blanks were driving me crazy. So crazy that lately I felt I needed professional help to deal with the unanswered questions repeating like a broken record in my mind.
It only took one session with a counselor, really, to help me get off of the mental merry-go-round I was on.
I have stopped trying to decipher my husband’s OCD-addled thinking. I have stopped feeling the need to get the answers I will never receive.
I’ve learned to be OK with that. I’ve learned to stop investing energy where I can get no return. It is what it is and it was what it was. I can’t change it but I can change my thinking about it.
I am still here. That is what matters now.