D is for…

D

…Deciphering things.

I have spent a good deal of time and mental energy in the past 3 years trying to find the answers to a lot of things such as:

  • why did my husband have to get cancer?
  • why did he have to die?
  • why am I still here?
  • what do I do now?
  • what does IT all mean?
  • and,
  • WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????? 🙂

Going through JD’s things after his passing while cleaning up both properties created even more situations and information that needed processing and understanding. My husband was very secretive and I was not allowed access to his things while he was alive. I had to go through everything he hoarded piece by piece after his death as the “good” (family mementos, money, valuable papers, useable stuff) was lumped in with the “bad” (garbage, broken stuff, useless papers, more garbage) with no organization.

It was like an archeological dig, people. With just as many hypotheses, theories, assumptions and questions begging to be tested, confirmed, answered. Including that the person(s) with the answers were never going to be around to fill in the blanks for me.

These blanks were driving me crazy. So crazy that lately I felt I needed professional help to deal with the unanswered questions repeating like a broken record in my mind.

It only took one session with a counselor, really, to help me get off of the mental merry-go-round I was on.

I have stopped trying to decipher my husband’s OCD-addled thinking. I have stopped feeling the need to get the answers I will never receive.

I’ve learned to be OK with that. I’ve learned to stop investing energy where I can get no return. It is what it is and it was what it was. I can’t change it but I can change my thinking about it.

I am still here. That is what matters now.

Rock on,

The WB

 

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Hetty Stuart

Good for you, Deb, in seeking professional help. I was always amazed, after things settled down, how you loved / loved / loved JD despite his OCD tendencies. Not an easy task, and you are quite forthright and transparent in your writings about him; and yet there is so much love there. It must hurt, tremendously, but I so admire you for dealing with all your unanswered questions the way you are. JD is, and always will be, irreplaceable….no question. You have many happy memories too, and I’m so glad we were able to re-connect with both of you, before it was too late! XOXO to you, my friend!

Widow Badass

Thank you Hetty! My love for him was complicated and my grieving is more so. But I am dealing with my feelings much better now since talking to someone and reading the book she suggested.
I’m glad we reconnected too! XOXO back to you Hetty!

Widow Badass

Thank you very much! I found your blog and look forward to reading more from Around My Kitchen Table – you have a sharp eye and a sharper sense of humour!

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