Last year during this challenge I was writing about how I was never going to marry again.
That still stands. I still feel this is the best situation for me, going forward. Two tours of duty in matrimonial land have been enough for this woman.
I had dinner with a friend last night who is in the same mental boat as I am. He lost his partner 22 years ago and has never felt the need to have that kind of committed relationship again since.
In chatting over Indian food last night, we both realized we had experienced very special, deep relationships with our significant others. Once-in-a-lifetime-if-you-are-that-fortunate relationships. When you have that and then lose it through the loss of your loved one, you don’t want to settle for anything less ever again. And frankly, you don’t want to try to look for that again with anyone else.
You are complete, as is. You and your memories. And you don’t want to sully those with a subsequent sub-par relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
It is very hard to explain to someone who has never experienced this.
I’ve had many well-meaning friends and acquaintances tell me that I will find someone again, and not to stay alone for the rest of my days. I appreciate that they think I am lonely or sad, and are thinking only of my happiness.
But I am not lonely or sad. I am happy and content. In fact, any mention of having another relationship with a man causes a real visceral experience in my body – I actually get sick to my stomach at the thought. Talk about your gut reaction!
So, I still say never and my body agrees. I’m going with my gut on this one.