Last Saturday’s hike (Short Hills parking lot to Decew House) was the most gorgeous yet. Although we were ankle deep in mud and sliding (and falling) all over the place at times, we did manage to come upon 3 – count ’em – 3 waterfalls during the course of 2.5 hours!
Swayze Falls – Falls #1Forgot the name of this one. Terrace Falls? AKA “Dry Falls” as that’s the condition it is usually found in. Falls #2Falls #3 – by the Morningstar Mill.
I predict many more falls to come as we head north on the Bruce Trail. Er…I mean waterfalls…not literal falls. Hopefully.
Mizz J and I as foreground to the beauty of the falls.
Mizz J and I invested in gaiters after this walk. This spring is proving to be cold and wet and I’d rather not put the Bruce through my washing machine every week, thank you very much.
My graduate studies in Business Administration ended on February 28, but my learning journey most certainly has not!
Suddenly, on February 29th I was faced with seemingly endless hours of free time (after work, of course) compared to only the day before when I was cranking out my final 2,000 word paper. And the years before, when my free time could be counted in mere minutes per day due to the effect of JD’s OCD on our life together.
I am still in awe of – and in the process of figuring out what to do with – all of this free time. But for now, I am learning to accept that it is OK to spend as much of that free time as I choose just doing things that I enjoy. Period. Without guilt. Like a “normal” person.
The little voice in my head that says I should be doing something productive instead of “just” reading or catching up on Netflix or going for a walk in the sunshine is getting quieter and quieter. But it is still there.
So far I think my recovery is going pretty well, all things considered. I hope the voice shuts up for good soon. ‘Cos I got a whole lot of catching up to do in the Enjoyment of Life department and I’m done with feeling guilty about it.
I have spent a good deal of time and mental energy in the past 3 years trying to find the answers to a lot of things such as:
why did my husband have to get cancer?
why did he have to die?
why am I still here?
what do I do now?
what does IT all mean?
and,
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE????? 🙂
Going through JD’s things after his passing while cleaning up both properties created even more situations and information that needed processing and understanding. My husband was very secretive and I was not allowed access to his things while he was alive. I had to go through everything he hoarded piece by piece after his death as the “good” (family mementos, money, valuable papers, useable stuff) was lumped in with the “bad” (garbage, broken stuff, useless papers, more garbage) with no organization.
It was like an archeological dig, people. With just as many hypotheses, theories, assumptions and questions begging to be tested, confirmed, answered. Including that the person(s) with the answers were never going to be around to fill in the blanks for me.
These blanks were driving me crazy. So crazy that lately I felt I needed professional help to deal with the unanswered questions repeating like a broken record in my mind.
It only took one session with a counselor, really, to help me get off of the mental merry-go-round I was on.
I have stopped trying to decipher my husband’s OCD-addled thinking. I have stopped feeling the need to get the answers I will never receive.
I’ve learned to be OK with that. I’ve learned to stop investing energy where I can get no return. It is what it is and it was what it was. I can’t change it but I can change my thinking about it.
Way before I concluded my MBA studies, I had a plan in the back of my wee mind to shift my focus back to improving my health and fitness once school was done. Then I had a TIA two weeks before school finished so this plan became even MORE important to me.
So now it’s been about a month since school ended and I have dramatically increased my daily exercise. I make it a point to hit at least 10,000 steps on my FitBit everyday. So far I have a perfect score in that regard. Yay me! And I am hiking every weekend now too.
I am also being more careful with my food intake. I rediscovered the account I had years ago at My Fitness Pal. My last login was the week of JD’s cancer diagnosis. Hmmm. Isn’t hard to figure out why I stopped logging at that point. Put on 22 pounds since then. Hmmmm. Again, not too hard to figure out why as my whole world has been turned upside down a few times since then.
Yet with my increased exercise and decreased food intake, I am a bit disappointed to have lost only 4 pounds in this past month. However, people are noticing a change in me – that I look smaller and my legs are becoming more toned. (This thanks to my habit of wearing leggings and boots often this winter!)
I retook my measurements last week and I have already lost 2 inches off of my waist. How can this be with such a relatively insignificant number showing up on the scale?
The only possible answer is that I am condensing. Yes – like a dying star I am becoming a black hole, human-version. 🙂
This week I will begin a weight training class for women. And next week begins a 5K learn-to-run class. Why, after 5 half-marathons under my belt, am I signing up for a beginner running class you may ask? That is a very good question! The answer is that I have never been coached by a physically present person as to how to run/train-to-run properly. For my first half, I benefited from virtual coaching via teleconferences but that has been it.
I think this will be fun and probably enlightening for me, and I have no problem entering this class with a beginner’s mind. I might even gain some speed!
About a year ago Mizz J and I were invited to one of her colleagues’ wedding, on the island of Barbados. Not a destination wedding per se, as both bride and groom are Bajan – born, but we were both stoked to be going there for this event. We booked our hotel and tickets last March, with additional travel plan cancellation insurance, because my mom was struggling with her health already at this point so we had no idea what the future might bring.
Well, Mom came to my place to die last October…and we still had no idea if this trip was ever going to happen. Mom made it clear that if her wishes were to be heard and considered she would either leave us before the trip or a few weeks after we got back. She did not want to mess with our travel plans!
On December 18 Mom got her wish and 2 weeks later to the day, Mizz J and I were in the air on New Year’s Day, flying south. We went with mixed feelings and a sense of duty – to Mom, who wanted so bad for us to still go no matter what, and to the bridal couple, who were expecting us. After spending January 2 attending the nuptials, we were free to relax and enjoy. So that is exactly what we did.
Here is where I could be found every day……reading books and gazing at this (when not frolicking/swimming in it!)Check out the beachy hair!
I did not feel at all like exploring the island – which was kinda unusual for me, but attributable to all that had gone before, I suppose. We did book a catamaran excursion online a few weeks back, to swim with sea turtles and go reef-snorkeling, so that was all I did other than walk down to Oistins for a nightly fish dinner, and relax under my favourite palm tree.
Pardon the crappy disposable underwater camera photo. This is one of the beauties we all swam with.And this is the beauty I personally swam with!
We were sorry to leave the island but are committed to making a return visit. I would love to make this an annual event. It’s a wonderful slice of heaven. The weather was perfect – hot and sunny, tempered by just the right amount of ocean breeze. The hotel we stayed at was just our style. Small, quiet, friendly, laid back. We would have no problem going back there.
Slurping up Bajan ice cream AND Bajan coffee on our last day. Thought we would change things up from rum punch and Banks Beer…hehehe!
Do you have a favourite tropical destination? Do tell.
…several things actually…Adventure, Attitude and being Alone.
Last year on April 1 I wrote about Adventure and this year the Adventure continues! Since last April I have gone through a few things including the palliative care and death of my mother…and a TIA. I have taken up recreational kayaking and I just purchased a second, two-seater kayak. I guess that means I now have a “fleet” of the durn things, hehehe. I visited Barbados for the first time (and hopefully not the last!). And I FINALLY completed my MBA studies. I recently started a new challenge – to hike the 885 Km Bruce Trail, section by section, in its entirety. Wonder what I will be writing about at this time next year?
Every year has 365 days, and those days pass whether we like it or not. Some people don’t like looking back but I find it very useful and gratifying…especially when I see that things I talked and dreamed about, like the Bruce Trail quest, are actually coming to pass.
Life is full of changes and surprises, not all welcomed. However the one thing – the only thing – we have complete control over is our attitude about life. And to be present for what life throws at us. Taking my mother into my home for the last 3 months of her life, to care for her and to give her the death at home she wanted, was not easy but I couldn’t imagine not doing it. It was an incredible experience to be present for. I was blessed to become reacquainted with my aunt and my 2 sisters as when they came to live with me and help out during this time. The special quiet times with my mother as her life wound down were also a gift and joy to all of us.
So now, everyone is back to their real lives, my mother is gone, and I am alone once again. At first my home seemed so much larger and emptier than it has ever been. Now I treasure my solitude once again. I understand that a lot of people can’t bear to be alone. That has never been my experience. I am often lonelier in a group than I have ever been by myself.
Feel free to comment with your thoughts about adventure, attitude or being alone. I look forward to reading them!
