Today is the anniversary of JD’s death.
I hope he is at peace or reborn or whatever the hell happens when our physical bodies stop working.
Living with JD was not easy, thanks to the OCD which he ultimately refused to seek treatment for. I did my best to help him while we were together. Which came at a cost, of course. It affected my relationships with family and friends. It affected my health. I was in over my head but bound by secrecy and was forbidden to seek help or understanding for either of us.
I didn’t find out until after he died, when I was left with sorting through his hoard of papers and stuff, who I was really married to.
He was a consummate liar and a hypocrite in his dealings with me, in particular. Me – the only person, he told me over and over again, he felt free to really be himself with.
My (once happy) memories of our time together are now and forever tainted because of this. Were his feelings towards me all lies, like his words and actions were? I was so completely fooled by JD I don’t know what was real anymore. I have lost more trust in myself and my ability to perceive, than in him.
I have sought counseling, which was only a little bit helpful. How do you find closure when the other party, the one who might be able to answer your thousands of burning questions, is dead?
I did reach out to the woman he cheated on me with (the only one I know about – I am not so naive as to think there couldn’t be more). She too was duped into thinking he was otherwise unattached, faithful, and in love with her. She thought they were going to get married and start a family. A lovely woman, really.
I just wish she had told me what was really going on when she found out he was living with another woman (me) and immediately kicked his sorry cheating ass to the curb. But she chose to keep her silence and leave our relationship alone. In my opinion she did me a huge disservice by not reaching out to me.
But what is done is done. I was kept in ignorance and kept on living with and loving and supporting this man with my whole heart and being. This unworthy man.
I have been a widow for 3 years today. My life is the best it has ever been. I am very content and happy, for the most part. I am still working through the process of forgiving my husband, which is necessary for me…not for him.
For the first couple of years after I found out, I could still feel tenderness and love and sorrow for him, even as I was reeling with shock and disbelief, hurt and anger. But as time goes on, I can’t dredge up those emotions anymore. I feel like I am just…done.
Someday someone is going to ask me why I don’t have any pictures of JD or our wedding displayed around my place. I don’t know what I’ll say in that moment, dear Blog.