Just Call Me Ace

four-aces

Dear Blog,

I came across the most amazing article on my Facebook feed this morning. One that captures concisely and gives a name to the feelings (or more accurately, the lack of them) I have been experiencing over the past few years.

I’ve been thinking about how to write about this wondrous new stage of my life (my freedom from romantic and/or sexual needs) but I just couldn’t find the words. And I wondered if I should be even discussing such a thing. And here Katarina Thorsen has written the post for me – almost as if she was me!

I had questioned if this is what being asexual meant. I’ve read articles about this, and thought the term only applied to those who are of breeding age yet have no interest in romantic attachments. Not to someone who was once a sexual creature but had since grown past that stage. After reading Kat’s words, I can see that this is exactly what I am. An Ace (slang for asexual, I learned today!).

I have very clear memories of approaching puberty with complete dread. I was witnessing with horror friends who only a few days ago seemed perfectly sane, suddenly lose their minds over smelly, disgusting boys. Instead of wanting to play with me, they wanted to spend hours pouring over the pages of Tiger Beat magazine and arguing over who was cuter: David Cassidy or Donny Osmond? I was bored out of my mind by these sessions. I wanted my old friends back.

However, I knew that my turn was coming. Sure enough, within a few months I was as fascinated by those XY chromosome holders as the rest of my friends.

I hated the way my emotions starting riding a monthly roller coaster. I cried to my mother that I was going crazy. I really thought I was losing my mind, and I was so scared and dismayed. She assured me that what I was feeling was perfectly normal and that it would probably simmer down as time progressed. Dear Blog, it did.

She also told me that someday I will cease to menstruate (another thing I was hating, along with growing breasts and all that extra body hair). I held onto that thought like a lifeline thrown a drowning soul – YES! Someday I will get my pre-puberty mind back again…someday I will be ME again! Yeah, I’d still be stuck with the breasts and the armpit and pubic hair but I’d be used to them by then, I thought.

Well, naturally and eventually dear Blog, I did come to enjoy being a young woman and all of the pleasures and opportunities that afforded me. But when I was hurting from the actions or words of some male I was involved with or wanted to be with, I often thought of my pre-puberty mind and longed for the day when I no longer cared about their attentions.

I’ve been enjoying having ME back again for some time now. When I see people suffering from the agonies of romantic relationships (or the lack thereof), I feel like the sober, designated driver in a room full of drunks. One who was once a drunk herself.

This is my new theme song, I have decided:

Thanking Goddess every day for waking up feeling this way…Rock on!

The WB

 

 

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestby feather
Cyndi

Now that I’ve figured out how to comment, I wanted to say that I’m loving your blog. Your raw openness is refreshing! And I’m so happy to hear everything was negative! I will tell you when I was going through my divorce that there were times I was jealous of my aunt, who stayed single and childless throughout her life. I envied her freedom and lack of emotional distress (although I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything). But I GET THAT. Unencumbered. A beautiful thing.

Widow Badass

Thank you so much Cyndi! I’ve also been divorced and it was horrific. I have a friend who is single and at times I envied her lack of stress (in comparison) as well. Now I am walking in her shoes and it’s AMAZING.

I'd love to hear from you. Let's chat!