Six years ago today – at a few minutes after midnight on November 14, 2013 – I became a widow, hence it is the 6th “birthday” of my alter-ego, The Widow Badass. To say my feelings on this are complicated would be correct, and also a complete simplification of my emotions. I don’t know if there are enough words in the language or enough time and space in anyone’s attention span to describe how I feel about…well…everything that happened during my relationship/marriage and JD’s demise and everything that I found out afterwards, and all that has happened since then. But I will try because it’s undoubtedly better than keeping it all rolling around inside my brain. If you want to skip this post and wait for something more entertaining/funny/silly, I can’t won’t blame you.
I feel guilty today because I don’t miss him at all and I love my new life so much I feel sometimes like my joie de vivre is equivalent to revelling in his death. Which I still feel awful about – nobody deserves to die from cancer, and at the age of 54 to boot. I’m not at all happy that he had to get cancer, suffer and die (blog posts about that start here) yet as a direct result of that I am living a happier, much more peaceful and contented life, with greatly reduced levels of stress.
I feel hurt and angry today because of all that I have found out about JD since he died. I was manipulated and lied to – by a master of the “craft”. The sheer magnitude of his hypocrisy regarding infidelity continues to stagger me to this day.
I feel cheated today because any happy memories I had of good times we shared together are now sullied by finding out his true nature after he passed. When I recall a happy or tender memory, my mind immediately goes to the many betrayals of my trust I uncovered after his death and any good feelings vanish like fog pierced by sunlight.
And every once in a while, I get a blast from his past that raises more questions than answers and drives home the point that I really was bamboozled by this man.
Like when I went to Birks a couple of years ago to follow up on some stuff regarding the diamonds he gave me and the helpful clerk told me the diamond and pearl necklace JD gave me was not covered under the trade-up plan. Except he never gave me that necklace (ummm…awkward) so now I know what the woman he cheated on me with got for Christmas that year – the year he decided we should forgo presents to each other, to save money.
Or like when I got the poisoned pen letter.
Or like when I went to the cemetery to pay respects to JD’s dad and found someone had left a necklace with JD’s astrological symbol on his dad’s headstone, on the backside of the stone beneath JD’s initials. His sister (with me at the time) asked if I had placed it there. When I said no, she quickly (and weirdly, I thought) told me that one of JD’s male cousins must have left it there, then. Sure. Whatever. Probably another girlfriend…
So I also feel like a fool today.
I know it’ll be good for me to leave this building he bought, that I emptied out, restored and poured my heart, soul and dollars into (once I had paid off the massive debt JD left me with, and no life insurance policy either). I go into certain rooms and closets and am reminded of the terrible stuff I found in there, stuff that painted a very different picture of the man I thought I knew, the man I thought was deserving of my heart and soul. I’ll be relieved to leave those triggers behind.
And yet I feel so much joy today because so many wonderful things have happened to me since he died. I’ve met some wonderful people and made some friendships for life – friendships that could not have happened if he were still alive. I’ve grown so much as a person. I’ve been tested and I think I have passed. I’m looking happily forward to a future I could never have imagined if JD was still alive.
He didn’t want me to retire…not even at 65 – he thought we both should keep working until 70, at least. JD also harangued me weekly to join him in a doctoral program, once we completed our MBAs. It exhausts me to think back to that time.
This day will pass. It always does. And my feelings will be left once again on the back burner – on simmer – instead of coming to their annual boil. As I continue to move forward in the Badass life that I love.
Rock on,
The WB
Divorce is one thing. Infidelity is another. Death is yet another factor that combined with the first two make for a trifecta of an emotional sh!tshow. I expect you’ll be dealing with fallout for a very long time.
But I do detect strength and resolve and desire to regain your balance.
And to move forward. Kudos, m’dear. And happy 6th!
Well, I had a nasty divorce from first hubs (that culminated in him doing jail repeatedly for stalking and harassment), so clearly I hit the man lottery not once but twice 😜. Thanks Maggie 💕
Hugs and much love to the friend I made After-JD.
You have been through so much. Many the pendulum swing with as much enthusiasm in the opposite direction ❤️
I love how you think Joanne! Thank you 💕
Anniversaries are tough. And you have an anniversary packed with so many emotions due to the complicated relationship with JD.
Just some thoughts but if JD was alive, I doubt you would have remained married to him. Things, one way or another, would not have continued because you are too smart and eventually would have walked away. We always return to center even when we take a detour and imo JD was a detour. You’d have regained yourself, maybe a little slower and a little later but I have no doubt of it.
I think it’s great you will be moving physically away. I know you made a fantastic home there but life is too short for regrets or dealing with bad memories brought up by a closet or a room.
Living your best life – despite what JD brought to your relationship – really is a testament to you and who you are. When will you be starting the big move?
Thank you Becky! 💕 Nice to hear from you – hope you are doing well!!! The big move should happen mid-2020.
I’m coming in for the hug-fest that your friends and family no doubt all want to give you today. You’ve been through some horrific stuff all piled on in a short time and you are still standing. I know you are proud of that and you should be. But we humans are complicated beings so I guess there is a purpose in the healing process for us to visit our ambivalent feelings on anniversaries, etc. Just remember you ARE a Bad Ass widow with a new adventure in front of you. No reason to feel guilty about that, you’ve earned the right to put old ghosts to bed and be happy.
Thank you Jean 💕
Hugs to you, Deb. When one door closes, another door opens. You clearly see the door of happiness and are moving forward. Rock on!
Thank you Natalie 💕
Wow! I can relate although my story is different. My ex didn’t die but there were “transgressions.” Whenever I look at something he gave me (most of which I gave away or cashed in) and remember the sweet things he said to me, I remind myself that he said the same exact thing (with probably the same gift) to someone else. That takes the specialness out of it. My story happened more than 25 years ago but I can feel the betrayal today. It doesn’t go away but it fades as you find worthy friends. Good luck to you in your adventures and I am so looking forward to reading about them.
That’s exactly how I feel about JD’s sweet words, Kate – you get it. Thank you 💕
P.S. Kate: I haven’t given away or cashed in jewellery he bought me but I have had the stones replaced (and upsized for good measure!) on several pieces. So now I feel a whole lot better about it, and that I’ve made them truly my own.
Your heart and soul took enough punches for several lifetimes! You are wiser for it and have the attitude that will keep you strong.
Keep that badass spirit!
Thank you for your kind words 💕
Hi, Debbie – There are no words to express what I really want to say here. You are an amazing woman whom I admire greatly. I look forward (and privileged) to getting to know you even more. Sending big, sincere hugs your way.
Thank you Donna 💕
It can’t be easy to look back and nor should you. He’s gone and now you know it’s for the better. I’m so glad you have found yourself Deb. You are a strong woman and deserve happiness.
Leslie
Thank you Leslie 💕
You’re such an inspiration. You really are and I am so happy that you are living your own dream now and how lucky are we that you chose to share it with us? Rock on with your bad self!!! Big hugs from Idaho ❤️
Thank you Mimi 💕 So many people such as yourself inspire me daily as well. I love this online blogging community.
You are, indeed, a badass.
I have a friend who says that death does not mean someone is missed or they were a good person and she is very anti repainting someone’s death as a tragic loss. Sometimes, she says, dead is just dead and that can be a good thing. So. It sounds similar to what you’re describing. JD is dead, and still managed to cause chaos from beyond, so he doesn’t get a repaint or glossy life because of that.
Rock on, Deb. You deserve it.
Thank you Akilah 💕 Yep, JD is dead; and the Widow Badass has come through the fire, to glorious, happy life.
Wow, quite the beginning sentence for an ending. Although, is it a beginning sentence for a new beginning? I think both, Deb.
I don’t really have words on this one, except you are moving forward and onward and upward.
I want to leave you with something a very wise woman shared with me.
“When I’m old and gray, I want to have a house by the sea. And paint. With a lot of wonderful chums, good music and booze around. And a damn good kitchen to cook in”. Ave Gardner
Hugs💕
Haha! You’re talking about the quote on my card. I DO have every opportunity to create that life for myself now! Thank you Erica 💕
What a mix of emotions! I can understand all of them, but don’t know if I could process them as well as you have here. JD wasn’t the man you thought he was and that is beyond disappointing, but to have weirdnesses from his life continue to impact you now… I don’t know. I’d say you’re better off as the Badass Widow and hang onto that positive vibe, it suits you.
Thanks Ally 💕 I did seek out professional help, to deal. Hard to get closure when you only find out things after the person dies. I have so many questions and no way to get the answers.
Wow Deb… I don’t know what to say, other than you are strong and courageous. You are right to have such mixed emotions.
Thank you Clever Girl 💕
I hope no matter what life throws at me down the track I can be as kick-butt as you.
Thank you AJ 💕 I hope you don’t have to pay the same price I did, to become this way.
I’m so sorry, Deb. What a dirty rat, you didn’t deserve that. It makes me so angry to know that some people can do that so easily to those they claim to love. I don’t want to seem insensitive as this was a person you loved, or thought you loved. But all I can think of to say is, karma baby! Hugs. <3
Thank you GW💕 in his defence (does he deserve one? I dunno), he was mentally ill. Doesn’t give him a free pass on the infidelity though.
Mental illness isn’t an excuse to treat others like dirt. I’m really jaded when it comes to men. I’ve been screwed over the same way and I know it crushes you inside. I’m really sorry, Deb. xo
I don’t think I’m jaded. I just don’t see the point, anymore. As I was telling a gay friend of mine: once you no longer are interested in fucking them, what is the point of having heterosexual men in your life? He roared at that one. 😜
It’s true.
You’ve been through a lot — none of it your doing so no guilt necessary. Holy smokes — you are one hell of a strong woman. As a new follower on the blog I had no idea how the name came about but I get it now!
Thank you BernieLynne 💕
Ok, so you know that there is no where to go but up…you did hit the assh-e lottery, didn’t you? It took me until the 3rd guy to find the right one, so I can relate in some ways. The death on top of the infidelity confuses all the emotions you are “supposed” to feel. But there is no “right way” to go thru this existence.
When my dad died (who I loved, loved, loved…was always his little girl, even in my 50s) my mother confessed to me that she was confused as she was feeling more relief than grief. I knew my dad was a difficult guy to live with and she was the one who was there living with him. But it was her experience, her life, her emotions. I only bring this up because…there is no right way to feel. You just feel, and it’s ok. You are entitled to every emotion because you have earned them over time.
The exciting part is that the future is yours to create…any way you want.
🙂
Thank you Nancy 💕 You are right – there is no right way to feel and no one should judge another on how they feel. But there is still a part of me that sees other widows genuinely grieving the loss and having their memories to comfort them, and I won’t ever have either of those things and I feel kinda cheated.
You are never the fool for having truly loved and been the best you could be. Thankful that you have a beautiful life you love now. Try to look forward for that is the direction you are moving. And let that chapter of your life close behind you.
Thank you 💕 Yes I am trying and succeeding, most days, to do just that.
You’ve had a rough ride,for sure, Widow, but you’re a survivor and you’ve emerged stronger than ever from your ordeal.
And so I salute you.
Thank you Hook 💕
Wow, how wrenching that must have felt to discover your late-husband’s secrets. I wonder now, does it leave you feeling very suspicious and careful about men?
Yes, TG. I was completely poleaxed by these discoveries. Not particularly suspicious or careful since I’m no longer interested in dating. I have never felt the pull for another romantic relationship since JD died. And I’ve never been happier or more content, either.
I’m not sure how I found your blog, but am so glad I did. My husband died of cancer at age 60 19 months ago. We were married, at least in my eyes, over 35 years and together almost 40. I
have found out he had at least 3 long term relationships during out marriage and who know what else. I got a bill for $200 for his porn subscription and there is so much more.Massive debt, lies lies lies…I feel so stupid. My life is ruined. I’m 62 today and cannot get over this. You said you got professional help. How can anything or anyone help you/me get over this?
First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. I hate to read that you feel your life is ruined. Please reach out to friends and family for support. Please get professional help if you need it. Do what you need to do pay off the debt and to rebuild your life. It will take time and hard work but is so worth it. I found it incredibly therapeutic and healing and empowering to sort through and throw out all of JD’s stuff and to do the work necessary to create a life and home that I love. Living well is truly the best revenge.
Big hugs to you, Katherine
Deb
Gosh….the fact you keep running into hints of his other life, just sucks. However, I am THRILLED for you that life has taken you down a wonderful, happy path. Never feel guilty about being happy! I just repurposed my old engagement ring and turned it into a beautiful necklace. Life is good!
Thank you Pam 💕 interesting what you’ve done with your engagement ring…I’ve thought of doing something similar one day – either a necklace or different sort of ring entirely. Hmmmm🤔
It’s interesting because I look at it with gratitude, without ANY attachment to him whatsoever…It’s kind of freeing.