Good grief Mizz D, it’s Christmas!

On December 21, 2012 By The Widow BadassIn Hmmm?6 Comments

Important Disclaimer – read this first: If you are one of those people who hate to hear of anything but full-on Christmas Joy at this time of year, read no further. If you are one of those people, and you continue to read, please don’t leave comments with any sort of a “C’mon, snap out of it! Count your blessings and stop whining” sort of a theme to it. It may not be pretty if you do. At the least, I will probably refuse to publish the comment. These are my feelings and I will give voice to them here, on my blog. You have been warned.

I struggle with Christmas. Every year now for many years, I white-knuckle my way through the holidays with only one goal in mind – to make it through, alive and mentally healthy, to Boxing Day. You probably wouldn’t know it, because I stay as cheery as possible on the outside, so as not to interfere with any other person’s joy in the season.

You see, I do completely understand how wonderful Christmas can be, because:

I used to be the biggest Christmas freak ever. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to create and spread Christmas Joy amongst as many people as I could touch during the season. I used to make or buy gifts all year long in anticipation. I couldn’t wait until it was decently close enough to Christmas to send out my cards. I baked, I played Christmas tunes, I decorated, I celebrated with abandon!

Somehow I lost all that and I can’t get IT back.

I have tried multiple strategies. For a few years I thought it was the commercialism of the holiday that killed it for me, so I stopped giving material gifts and donated to causes instead. I focused on the giving and spiritual aspects of the season. That offered some relief, but that wasn’t IT.

This year I tried to decide to add to the above, and focus on what Christmas activities gave me joy, in an effort to stave off what seems to be an inevitable depressing and anxious mood at this time of year. So I sent out cards, and put together small gifts that I hope bring a smile to my loved ones. I listened to Christmas music. I even decorated my office. And I watched, enviously, as others got into the Christmas Joy – the Christmas Spirit – that continues to elude me.

As I have been mulling over for the 1000th time what the hell is wrong with me at this time of year, it suddenly came to me (I think). I use this time of year to grieve.

I am grieving:

People that I have lost. People that I especially associated with Christmas. Such as my dad (biggest Christmas freak ever). And Auntie Hazel, who JD and I used to spend quiet and special Christmas Eves with, in years past.
Christmases past, that will never be again. Like when my beautiful children were small and innocent and full of Christmas Joy. Before they were hurt and beaten down by life, by things their dad and I did to them as a direct result of getting a divorce.
Relationships that aren’t what they should be. That I don’t have the tools to fix. Even if those people wanted them fixed, which I have my doubts about.
All the sorrows of this world. Within my circle of friends and family, and also outside of it. My heart breaks for those who lost family and friends at Sandy Hook Elementary School, for the family of the mom of the troubled shooter, and even for the shooter himself, who didn’t get the help he desperately needed for his mental well-being.
That I may never experience Christmas Joy and peace again. A valid concern as this goes on year after year, despite my efforts to change it.

So, here is my Christmas truth. It is not “the most wonderful time of the year” for me. It used to be, and now it’s not. It is a time when I am anxious, depressed, and emotionally fragile. I wish it wasn’t this way. Oh, how I wish it wasn’t! But it is.

I keep trying to get the ol’ Christmas magic back in my life. This year, I thought I was doing better, but it has hit me like a ton of bricks anyways.

Well, despite all this, hope still does spring eternal in a small, quiet part of my soul. The part that keeps saying “Better luck next year!”

And I am grateful to still be here, on the planet, in good health, with lots of food and a warm abode to call home, and to be able to feel, even if it is painful to do so.

It still beats the alternative, by a long shot!

Merry Christmas to anyone still reading! (I mean it!!!)

Ho hum…oh yeah, I completed the Whole 30…26 days ago!

On December 21, 2012 By The Widow BadassIn Uncategorized2 Comments

You know, when I started the Whole 30 I dreamed and hoped for the day I could put this badge on the blog. Yep, first thing I was gonna do after I got up on Day 31 was post this sucker! And then I was going to make me some Perfectly Paleo Pancakes, and smother them in maple syrup and blueberries (‘cos JD and I decided to give up fruit for our W30 as well).

Well, a funny thing happened along the journey. The W30 became a W60 (Day 57 today!). And may very well become a W90, W120 and so on. Very unexpectedly anticlimactic.

Because, when you feel this good when you eat this way now…why would you want to go back to the way you felt and the way you ate before?

In addition to eating only whole foods, I also decided I might as well give up coffee and chewing gum. I’ve been a little concerned about the coffee monkey hanging off my back for while now, and this seemed like the right time. I just hate having to NEED something to jump start me in the morning – never a good sign!

No more coffee means no more coffee aftertaste and breath, and thus no more need to be chewing gum and ingesting all that artificial sweetener and other foreign chemicals. So it just seemed like the right time to DO IT ALL, and at once.

Fruit is back in the plan again. But that is IT.

At 22 lbs down since last February 20th (10 of those pounds from the W30), I figure I’m at about the 1/2 way point in my journey to a healthy weight. For the first time in a long time (ever?), I am heading into a new year without having to resolve to live a healthier life – I’m already here now, on this journey!

It amazes me that I have been able to lose this weight despite being the most sedentary I have ever been. As a grad student who works full-time, I’m lucky to get out for an hour long walk once per week.

My pedometer tells the tale of inactivity far better than I ever could. Some days, when a big assignment was due and I was chained to my computer, I was lucky to break 1,000 steps before falling, mentally exhausted, into bed at night. If anything, I should have GAINED 22 lbs this year.

I eat to satiation. I eat when hungry. I don’t count calories or fat grams or fiber or points or measure portions. My energy levels are high and constant. No more mid-afternoon fadeout. I sleep great, and can get by just fine on less if I have to (see big assignment, above!). I can go for hours between meals with nary a dip in blood sugar levels and the accompanying light-headedness or discomfort.

I never thought I had any digestive difficulties or food intolerances, but now – when I notice how quiet and peaceful everything feels inside – I can’t believe the difference. It’s like my body is finally running on the right fuel, instead of trying to make the best of whatever I was giving it before. No more bloating. No more acid reflux. I have transitioned from being a sugar-burner to being a fat-burner.

I am going to book a physical in the New Year. I’m very interested in learning what my blood work looks like now, with this diet high in saturated fats and low in simple carbohydrates.

I highly suspect everything will look just great, as it has for so many others who eat this way.

The Whole 30

On October 31, 2012 By The Widow BadassIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

JD and I are on Day 6 of this 30 day self-experiment in eating per “It Starts with Food“, by Melissa and Dallas Hartwig (highly recommended reading, BTW).

No dairy, no grains, no preservatives, no sugars. Lots of clean, pure foods – heavy on the vegetables! We are focused on kicking our sugar demons to the curb and seeing what effect(s) this change in our diet has on our health.

So far, so great! I will keep you posted….Happy Halloween everyone!

Returning to the scene of the “crime”, and an update!

On September 3, 2012April 2, 2015 By The Widow BadassIn I Got MarriedLeave a comment

Back at the Ellis Chapel for Anniversary #2

JD had to work today, so we planned to leave for work a little early, so as to stop at the little country chapel where we got married. Since we didn’t have the luxury of a photographer nearby, we did the best we could snapping our own pix. Above is my attempt.

Here is JD’s, after me gently coaching him to direct the lens so he would get in the picture too!

It takes two, baby yeah! Just me and you.... — It takes two, baby yeah! Just me and you….

OK, let’s try this again. This time on the steps of the chapel:

Two years so far... only 23 years left till the Silver Anniversary! — Two years so far… only 23 years left till the Silver Anniversary!

So now he is at work, and I am at work too…trying to get some ahead a bit on some of my projects while no one is around and the phone doesn’t ring.

But before I do that, I want to update you on what’s been going on.

MBA Studies:

Halfway through Managerial Economics at the moment. It’s not half as scary as some of my classmates made it out to be. Sure the math is a challenge…I am finally having to use some of what I learned in High School Algebra and Calculus classes…but overall, it’s pretty interesting. Even if I’m not buying the Economic Theory of Consumer Behaviour…

Only one course left in Phase1 of the MBA. After completing Operations Management and successfully writing the Comprehensive Exam in January 2013, JD and I will be receiving our Post Baccalaureate Diplomas in Business Management. Then Phase 2 begins, which consists of 4 core courses and 3 electives plus an applied project (or one can choose to do 6 electives and skip the project).

Diet, Health and Fitness:

Drumroll please! I am now able to do 10 Manly-Man Push-ups in a row. Oh yeah, baby! I made this a goal of mine (for the second time) about 10 months ago on this here very blog. Well, I can finally cross this one off of my list. I followed the Oxygen plan for Pushup Perfection and it worked, even on me!

Another drumroll please! Since late last February, when JD and I decided to cut out carbs and adopt a more Paleo/Primal diet, I have lost 12 pounds and 13 inches. JD has also lost weight effortlessly, although he doesn’t have as much to lose as me. JD and I manage to stick to Paleo eating principles for about 80% of our diet.

Now, maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot of weight over a 6 month period (2 pounds per month), but considering how darn sedentary my life as a full time lab manager/grad student is, I am amazed. I mean, there are some days (quite a few actually) that I am lucky to log 3K steps on the ever-present pedometer, thanks to being chained to the desk and laptop. So other than an infrequent walk and some pushups, I have been doing zippo-dee-doo-dah in the physical activity department.

Things I love about eating this way:

It’s so satisfying – the food is great. Fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, meats, eggs, healthy fats, and some dairy. I don’t miss bread, potatoes or rice. The things I thought I could never do without (well, potatoes I was never big on). About the only thing I really miss is a bowl of cereal once in a while, but I am working on primal alternatives to that.
No more cravings
No more heartburn or acid reflux (have stopped taking my meds for this – no need anymore!!!) This stopped immediately upon removing wheat from my diet. I didn’t believe the blogs of others when I read about this happening, but it’s true, all true!
Can go for hours and hours without eating if I choose to, without the shakiness and ill-feeling of when I was addicted to carbs. My blood sugar levels stay nice and stable.
When I do get hungry, it’s such a gradual thing. Not like when I was eating carbs. I was hungry all the time then, and my hunger was LOUD and DEMANDING, every couple of hours. “Feed me. FEED ME NOW. NOW, NOW, NOW!” was the message then. Now my hunger is much more polite…it’s like “sorry to bother you, but you might want to consider having some food in an hour or so, OK? And if not then, maybe sometime after that…No pressure, OK?”

Even if I hadn’t lost a pound, I would keep eating this way, just for the above reasons – especially the end to my acid reflux.

I am so happy to have found this way of eating that I am in the process of developing a new blog on a new website to chronicle my Primal journey and hopefully spread the word to others out there. That there is a better way to live and eat. A much healthier way than the Standard (North) American Diet, the SAD diet (how apt!). I’ll certainly let you know once I have it up and running!

I started a weight training program yesterday, thanks in part to my success and joy in being able to do full pushups! I am doing the workout from Dr. Chris Lydon’s book: Ten Years Thinner – a 20 minute full body workout with weights. I am determined to find a way to carve out the time to do this. It sounds ridiculous not to be able to find 20 minutes, but well…some days are just like that.

Onwards!!!! Hope everyone has had a fantastic summer, and is looking forwards to fall, as I am. Leaving for a business trip in Maine at the end of this week, and hoping to be able to fit in a whale-watching trip! Woo hoo! Another thing off my bucket list…

Weekend Blues

On June 23, 2012April 2, 2015 By The Widow BadassIn MBA2 Comments

This is the last Tagxedo for a while, I promise (but isn’t it cute with the lightning bolt shape and all? So apropos for Hete Bliksem):

Makes me want to redo the whole blog so I can incorporate this into the header somehow (which I can’t do well with this blog template). But that will have to wait for another time.

The weather here this weekend is absolutely perfect. No humidity, temps in the mid-20s, just the odd little cloud in the sky.But enjoying the weather will have to wait for another time.

I have a 2000 word paper due Sunday night at midnight, Alberta time. Which means I have till 2 am Ontario time. (Yay?).

Words written so far: 0

Words written in my head so far: about 173.

It’s times like these that I really question why I thought going back to school was a good idea. I mean, I already have a great job. It’s not like I couldn’t find something else (cheaper, less intense, and without the pressure of assignment deadlines, cheaper, yet still intellectually stimulating…did I mention cheaper?) to occupy my mind.

Then those 2 little words pop into my mind: career insurance. Oh yeah, that.

I flash back to the recent histories of some of my friends (who thought they were “set” for life, at their work, their “dream” jobs): passed over for promotion, or demoted with a change in upper management, or their position vanishes entirely, with a change in company direction.

Nothing in life is certain. So back to the books I go!

I have promised myself that if I make good progress, I will take a short break to go for a walk in the glorious outside, to pick up something for lunch.

So with that rewarding thought, I bid you adieu. And please enjoy your weekend, so I may live vicariously through you!

Tagxedo Obsession

On June 21, 2012April 2, 2015 By The Widow BadassIn Hmmm?Leave a comment

I can see this website is going to be consuming some (OK, a lot) of my free time. At least I am not writing about nail polish anymore, for now (GAWD!).

Dems Fightin’ Words…and My New Blingernails!

On June 15, 2012April 2, 2015 By The Widow BadassIn Go Back to School, MBALeave a comment

After finding “Count on Me” and falling completely in love with that Nicole by OPI polish, I decided I must head back to WalMart and see if there were any more cool colours that I was missing out on.

I looked at the labels on the rack and saw these words. Best Pink Ever.

Huh, I thought. That’s a pretty bold statement. I’m pretty sure I already have the best pink nail polish in the world already at home, purchased several years before! But I was intrigued, and knew I had to try it out.

Then I saw the bottle. Dark purple with orangey glitter. Immediately I felt kinda deflated. Somebody had put the wrong polish in the rack, and I would probably never know what the Best Pink Ever actually looked like. Then I picked up the bottle to see what it WAS called.

Best Pink Ever.

Here’s what the polish looks like in the bottle:

And here’s what it looks like on my fresh pedi (thanks Tracy!):

I used to think OPI’s Not-So-Bora-Bora-ing Pink was the best pink ever, but I just may have to change my mind. Best. Pink. Ever. OK, it’s definitely a contender for the crown. I am liking it more day by day.

Now, without reservation, I can say that Kiss Nail Dress nail stickers are the most fun nail things ever. Peel and stick nail art. I can’t believe how much fun they are. Plus quick and easy to apply. I can’t stop looking at my blinged up fingers:

I am easily amused, as you can see. Of course, all of this fun is a pleasant distraction from schoolwork. I will pay for this, but so far, at about $0.35 per nail, it’s worth the price. I love my new blingernails! (Good name for a competitor product….guess I’m still wearing my MBA student hat after all).

Quick ‘n Girlie

On June 9, 2012April 2, 2015 By The Widow BadassIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I am supposed to be here at the office on a rainy Saturday, doing homework and work/work, but somehow whipping up a little blog post seems more like the thing to do. So let’s be quick about it, shall we?

Alright! First topic: I loooooove this nail polish I impulsively picked up at Walmart a week or so ago. It’s sheer, it’s irridescent, it has unbelievable staying power. I am looking forward to applying it over opaque colours for a multitude of new looks with my old faves.

“Count on Me” to be the only polish you’d take to a desert island!

My poor photographic skills are no match for the sheer (get it?) beauty of this polish

Next quick topic: Peonies. My neighbour brought me over a beautiful bunch from his garden. They have perfumed the whole house. I think, next to hydrangeas (for their staying power), these are my favourite flowers.

Last topic: the weather. Now, I am not saying that we caused this sudden onset of wet weather in an up-to-now very dry spring (although I do admit to doing a few mental and not-so-mental rain-dances while gardening).

But it does seem suspicious that it has rained every other day ever since we threw a whole lot of grass seed d0wn in the backyard. In fact the rain started just as JD and I were finishing up in the backyard and installing the now-unnecessary sprinkler, to get the darn seeds wet enough to germinate.

What are the chances that the weather gods would actually cooperate with us for a change? Maybe I should be buying lottery tickets. We could be on a roll here.

That’s all for now! We now return to our regularly scheduled homework.

Traffic

On May 30, 2012 By The Widow BadassIn Uncategorized4 Comments

I hate the way people drive these days.

Have you noticed the amount of aggression on the roads lately? I certainly have. I don’t remember people driving this way in my youth. Especially not women. Sure, there was the occasional “mental patient” out there (“Must be late for his psychiatric/anger management appointment” is my husband’s droll response upon experiencing one of these types of drivers, usually)….but these days….well, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

Every day tests my resolve not to give these yahoos the finger, leave a note on their car, or otherwise vent my disgust at them using the road as their personal motorway, and to hell with my (and everyone else’s safety). Clearly we did not get the memo that they own the road and to get the hell out of the way because they are coming through and MUST NOT BE IMPEDED IN ANY WAY. I must have misplaced mine….again.

Yesterday I was coming home from a lovely dinner with my mom and daughter, driving on a bridge, and I noticed in the rear view mirror that the car behind me was driving too fast and too close. I switched my attention to the line of cars ahead of me that were slowing down rapidly. Thus I had to touch my brakes to slow my own (traveling a safe speed and stopping distance) vehicle down. I fully expected to be rear-ended by Ms. (yes, it was a female) Tailgater. Because we were on a bridge, there was no where for her (or I) to go in order to avoid a collision. When I looked in the mirror again, it was apparent she had seen my brake lights – but because she was following too closely she had to STOMP on her brakes in order to avoid colliding with my car’s rear end.

What happened next certainly surprised me, but maybe I am just that naive. Ms. Tailgater proceeded to lay on the horn and gesticulate wildly (I always wanted to write that!) at ME. Like I had done something wrong. Obviously I did, I guess. I did not read the memo yet again, the one that said she was ON HER WAY SOMEWHERE IMPORTANT and MUSTN’T BE SLOWED DOWN IN HER PROGRESS TOWARDS THE DESTINATION. The one that said “IF YOU SEE ME APPROACHING IN THE REAR VIEW, JUST PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD I OWN. THINGS WILL GO BETTER THIS WAY FOR BOTH OF US, TRUST ME.”

I didn’t react to her. I didn’t give her the finger she-oh-so-richly deserved. You know the finger I mean. The finger that speaks volumes without saying a single word. That finger.

I did smile though.

And my smile got bigger and bigger as I noticed the huge distance she kept between our cars as we started moving again in traffic.

Do you think she learned anything? Or am I just being optimistic that her post-incident response meant she had seen the error of her road-hogging ways?